Something Gold Must Stay
by Death Goddess Assassin
Summary: Ponyboy is torn between Dally's advice and Johnny's. He makes a fatal decision. Not my best work but...RR. No flames, please. Rated for language and suicide.


**Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders, even though I've prayed to God to change that. In case you haven't noticed, it's not working. **

~*~

_Nature's first green is gold,_

_Her hardest hue to hold._

_Her early leaf's a flower,_

_But only so an hour._

_Then leaf subsides to leaf,_

_So Eden sank to grief,_

_So dawn goes down to day,_

_Nothing gold can stay._

Robert Frost wrote that. It's my favorite poem, one I can relate to. It was one Johnny could relate to also. At least, I think it was. When I recited it to him he sure looked like he understood it.

Johnny. I thank him for reminding me the meaning of this poem. I also thank him for making up my mind.

I can feel Darry watching me out of the corner of his eye. Damn, don't they understand I just want to be left alone? Okay, so I haven't been eating or sleeping. So I look like a goddamn lifeless shell. It's my choice. I can get better…if I wanted to. 

_Stay gold, Ponyboy_.

_I've tried, Johnny. I really have. But it's so hard. _

I haven't talked to anybody since Dally and Johnny died two months ago. Not even Soda, my brother. I don't want to. 

The other day I heard Two-Bit and Steve conversing in the kitchen. 

"I think he's crazy," Steve had said.

"Yeah, me too," Two-Bit replied, sort of sadly. 

I stomped in. "I'm not crazy!" I screamed. They kind of jumped like startled rabbits. "So stop saying that!"

I wasn't crazy…was I?

If you get tough, like me, you won't get hurt.

Dally, do you hate me because I can't be tough like you? I've tried, I really have… 

Right then I made up my mind. I had to show Dally I could be tough. I had to prove to Johnny I knew how to stay gold. Without speaking a word to anybody—which, nowadays, was not unusual since I haven't spoken since The Incident, not even in school—I got up and went into the bathroom. 

My fingers searched around a cabinet until they closed around a razor. Smiling, I put the razor up against my wrist, staring at the thick blue blood vessel against the shiny silver blade. 

_Is this what it means to stay gold?_

Is this what it means to get tough? 

I cut the vessel and watched the blood pool out almost immediately. Then suddenly I didn't want to do this. I was scared. I reached for some toilet paper.

No! I need to be gold! Be tough! 

I forced my hand back. While the blood dripped out I thought about some things. I remembered Johnny and how he came up with the theme. You're gold when you're a kid, when you have innocence. Then I thought about Dally, and how he said being tough like him meant you could handle anything.

_But, Dally…if you were tough then…why did you break down over Johnny?_

And then something else came to me. I was looking at this all wrong. I had been looking at Johnny's point of view and Dally's point of view as two separate things. That's why I was so torn up inside. 

I needed to stay alive to stay gold. If I was gold then I was tough. If I was gold then I could truly handle anything. Johnny meant stay gold on the inside…Dally meant get tough on the outside. I could be both gold and tough. I thought…well, I don't know what I thought. 

The blood was dripping fast. I needed help. Toilet paper was not going to do anything now. My arm was covered in it. I walked out of the bathroom and into the den, where the gang was.

"Ponyboy!" Darry gasped, jumping up. 

"Holy shit, Pony," Two-Bit whispered. 

The gang stared wide-eyed at me. I stared at them all blankly for a second. Then I did something I was positive they'd never forget. I smiled at them.

"I'm sorry, guys," I told them. "Can I have a second chance?"

As soon as I said it Soda collapsed into tears and hugged me to him, getting blood all over his shirt. It was then I thought about a little twist to the poem.

_Nature's first green is gold,_

_Her hardest hue to hold. _

_Her every leaf's a flower,_

_But only so an hour._

_Then leaf subsides to leaf,_

_So Eden sank to grief,_

_So dawn goes down to day,_

_Something gold must stay._

~*~

**Damn. I was aiming for angsty but…it kind of went off track. It's more sweet than anything else. I think. Oh, hell, I don't know what the fuck it is! Just R/R so I can go off and sulk at my bad angsty writing.   **


End file.
